Goodbye November, I am not sorry to see you go.
I sat down with my family last night, Kyle, Connor and Emilee and realized that November is almost over. On Monday, December will be here and the month of holiday preparation will begin. Normally I am sad to see November go because the hustle and bustle of Christmas makes me dread the holiday. However, I just can't stand to be in the month of November for another day.
We began the month with my returning to the gym, a goal of mine was to get into better physical shape and begin the process of ONE DAY doing the Disney Half Marathon-- one day--probably when I am 40. Anyways, that dream of going to work out and gaining some sanity in my life was short lived. You see, a stubborn baby decided that one day she would refuse a bottle. So I attempted breastfeeding. Then she decided to never take a bottle. Which meant that the evenings were pure torture for my husband as I worked out. We tried every bottle, even a $16 bottle that was supposed to be exactly like a boob. It wasn't, or so Emilee says. So I basically put the working out on hold- no big deal.
Then came the problem of her reflux. We swore up and down that it was this and this and this causing her to spit up like a water hose every time she ate. I cut out dairy, and gluten and wheat and caffeine. I was a bear and I think my husband was ready to kill me. But I kept thinking, if I can just get her to nurse until 6 months I will be happy. And the realization hit one day that we were all miserable. The realization also came about the same time that dragging her to every funeral arrangement and clearing of my grandmother's house was becoming absolutely exhausting. I gave a bottle of formula to Meemaw and wished her good luck. Two weeks ago was the last time I nursed E and as upset (and painful) as it was, we are both in such a better place. She spits up, but what a normal baby would spit up, and me... well I have since returned to stuffing my face with delicious carbs and caffeine to make it through the day.
And all of this rolls into the sudden call about my grandmother. I was washing dishes after an exceptionally stressful evening of dealing with reflux and Connor's tantrums. My college roomies can attest that when I was stressed and needed to breath I would hand wash dishes. To me there is just something calming with the running water, I suppose. I derail, like normal. So I was washing dishes and my phone showed "Janet Reynard" calling. My heart skipped a beat because I thought 'WoW! Grams must have figured out how to find my number in her phone!" I was so excited to answer. But, it was my mom on the other end. On a Monday night I couldn't figure out why she would be visiting my grandma. She informed me that they thought she has a possible stroke and that the ambulance was taking her to the Emergency Room. Suddenly, the dishes seemed to close in, my chest felt tight and I just stopped breathing. As I hung up the phone I kept thinking of ways to get to Maryland in the least amount of time possible. But, then I thought about it and if they were calling and sounding so calm, it must have just been a mini-stroke or something and I should just wait a few minutes to calm myself. I took Emilee upstairs, nursed her and waiting for more information. The next call came about 30 minutes later when I was told that she was unresponsive and headed towards the hospital, she had some seizures in the ambulance and needed to be intubated. At that point I knew it was serious. Kyle and I both cannot remember how we packed up the kids and dog in the hour it took, but we did. We left the house at 9pm and drove. During the drive my phone rang again and it was basically to tell me to prepare to say my goodbyes, there was no brain activity due to a massive bleed caused by the stroke. I cannot express the emotions I felt. I think I went through every single one. I finally settled on crying until my contacts dried out (yes, they do eventually). Then I sat motionless for most of the ride. We pulled into the hospital around 1am and Kyle dropped me off so he could take the kids to Meemaws to put to bed. I don't think I could've prepared myself for seeing my grandmother, usually so full of life and spunk, lying motionless on the hospital bed except for the occasional pump of artificial air into her lungs. We said our goodbyes and within and hour she was gone. She was with my pap in heaven celebrating her homecoming.
You think saying goodbye is the hardest part. But, I beg to differ. The preparations for a funeral are hard. But stepping back into the house with so many memories is the hardest. When my pap passed away I couldn't get myself to go back into the house for a LONG TIME. I would avoid the house like a plague and that meant I also cut seeing my grams out for a while. I would occasionally call but it was usually my pap who would answer the phone, so not hearing his voice would break my heart. I finally got over the fact he was gone and started visiting when Connor was born. I know how much she enjoyed watching him run around like crazy and would tell me how much he acted like I did when I was little. Then we found out we were pregnant with Emilee and, although she really didn't like her name, she was thrilled to have a great-granddaughter. Emilee got to meet her once, well three times if you count it all in that week we were visiting. I am thankful we got that long with her and I have pictures to show Emilee when she is older.
I ended up staying in Maryland an extra week. Part to help out and part to come to terms that life is moving forward and I somehow had to figure out how. I know a lot of people are upset when their grandparents die, and some might wonder why Jen and I take this so hard. When I was born (and Jen was 2.5) we spent most of our days with Pap and Grams. Both parents worked and we needed a babysitter. Fast forward to the abandonment of our biological mother and a single- working father, we needed somewhere to stay while he worked. It was with Pap and Grams. Then Mom, Cindy, came into our lives and even though she worked, she needed a sitter for certain nights when we would work later. We would get off the bus at Pap and Grams. There are so many memories we made in that house. We remember the field where the Walmart Shopping Center now lives. It was our play ground! I still have not come to terms that the home will belong to someone else in the near future, but it is just something that has to be done.
Well I returned home with the kids and we have tried to return to normal. The days seem to drift by and my heart hurts a little less each day. Except yesterday. It was Thanksgiving and as the day came to a close I wanted to cry. I sat down and thought about what I have to be Thankful for. The sad part is that as I was listing out the things, in my mind, I couldn't help coming up with all the things I wasn't thankful for and all the things I am so utterly bitter about. I could list them here, but I realized that would be pointless because I DON'T want to think about the BUT's. Everyone says that life happens and that God doesn't give you more than you are able to handle. The truth is, I don't know how strong I am and I am a little tired of being told this. In a matter of three months we delivered a daughter who was diagnosed with Down Syndrome, attended numerous doctors appointments including a cardiology appointment informing us that in the near future she will need to have an operation, began Occupational Therapy, dealt with a scary as hell reflux incident, had our car broken into, and my grandmother died unexpectedly. God must think I am the HULK.
I know I sound bitter, and I do apologize. Most days I do not sit an reflect, or even realize that 3/4 of the events mentioned above have happened. But the days I do, I am crushed. I will shed a few tears and then I smack myself into a realization that I have two kids that need me and sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't benefiting anyone. Life does go on and one of my kids needs the strength I have to build her up even stronger. So as November comes to an end I am making myself a promise- I will welcome December with open arms. I will not complain about the past and I will look forward to having the best holiday I can possibly have with my family. I will focus on the positives of every day because I do have a lot to be thankful for.
I hope everyone had a fantastic day with their family and friends. And even more I hope you will take the challenge to relish the happiness the season has to offer.
I sat down with my family last night, Kyle, Connor and Emilee and realized that November is almost over. On Monday, December will be here and the month of holiday preparation will begin. Normally I am sad to see November go because the hustle and bustle of Christmas makes me dread the holiday. However, I just can't stand to be in the month of November for another day.
We began the month with my returning to the gym, a goal of mine was to get into better physical shape and begin the process of ONE DAY doing the Disney Half Marathon-- one day--probably when I am 40. Anyways, that dream of going to work out and gaining some sanity in my life was short lived. You see, a stubborn baby decided that one day she would refuse a bottle. So I attempted breastfeeding. Then she decided to never take a bottle. Which meant that the evenings were pure torture for my husband as I worked out. We tried every bottle, even a $16 bottle that was supposed to be exactly like a boob. It wasn't, or so Emilee says. So I basically put the working out on hold- no big deal.
Then came the problem of her reflux. We swore up and down that it was this and this and this causing her to spit up like a water hose every time she ate. I cut out dairy, and gluten and wheat and caffeine. I was a bear and I think my husband was ready to kill me. But I kept thinking, if I can just get her to nurse until 6 months I will be happy. And the realization hit one day that we were all miserable. The realization also came about the same time that dragging her to every funeral arrangement and clearing of my grandmother's house was becoming absolutely exhausting. I gave a bottle of formula to Meemaw and wished her good luck. Two weeks ago was the last time I nursed E and as upset (and painful) as it was, we are both in such a better place. She spits up, but what a normal baby would spit up, and me... well I have since returned to stuffing my face with delicious carbs and caffeine to make it through the day.
And all of this rolls into the sudden call about my grandmother. I was washing dishes after an exceptionally stressful evening of dealing with reflux and Connor's tantrums. My college roomies can attest that when I was stressed and needed to breath I would hand wash dishes. To me there is just something calming with the running water, I suppose. I derail, like normal. So I was washing dishes and my phone showed "Janet Reynard" calling. My heart skipped a beat because I thought 'WoW! Grams must have figured out how to find my number in her phone!" I was so excited to answer. But, it was my mom on the other end. On a Monday night I couldn't figure out why she would be visiting my grandma. She informed me that they thought she has a possible stroke and that the ambulance was taking her to the Emergency Room. Suddenly, the dishes seemed to close in, my chest felt tight and I just stopped breathing. As I hung up the phone I kept thinking of ways to get to Maryland in the least amount of time possible. But, then I thought about it and if they were calling and sounding so calm, it must have just been a mini-stroke or something and I should just wait a few minutes to calm myself. I took Emilee upstairs, nursed her and waiting for more information. The next call came about 30 minutes later when I was told that she was unresponsive and headed towards the hospital, she had some seizures in the ambulance and needed to be intubated. At that point I knew it was serious. Kyle and I both cannot remember how we packed up the kids and dog in the hour it took, but we did. We left the house at 9pm and drove. During the drive my phone rang again and it was basically to tell me to prepare to say my goodbyes, there was no brain activity due to a massive bleed caused by the stroke. I cannot express the emotions I felt. I think I went through every single one. I finally settled on crying until my contacts dried out (yes, they do eventually). Then I sat motionless for most of the ride. We pulled into the hospital around 1am and Kyle dropped me off so he could take the kids to Meemaws to put to bed. I don't think I could've prepared myself for seeing my grandmother, usually so full of life and spunk, lying motionless on the hospital bed except for the occasional pump of artificial air into her lungs. We said our goodbyes and within and hour she was gone. She was with my pap in heaven celebrating her homecoming.
You think saying goodbye is the hardest part. But, I beg to differ. The preparations for a funeral are hard. But stepping back into the house with so many memories is the hardest. When my pap passed away I couldn't get myself to go back into the house for a LONG TIME. I would avoid the house like a plague and that meant I also cut seeing my grams out for a while. I would occasionally call but it was usually my pap who would answer the phone, so not hearing his voice would break my heart. I finally got over the fact he was gone and started visiting when Connor was born. I know how much she enjoyed watching him run around like crazy and would tell me how much he acted like I did when I was little. Then we found out we were pregnant with Emilee and, although she really didn't like her name, she was thrilled to have a great-granddaughter. Emilee got to meet her once, well three times if you count it all in that week we were visiting. I am thankful we got that long with her and I have pictures to show Emilee when she is older.
I ended up staying in Maryland an extra week. Part to help out and part to come to terms that life is moving forward and I somehow had to figure out how. I know a lot of people are upset when their grandparents die, and some might wonder why Jen and I take this so hard. When I was born (and Jen was 2.5) we spent most of our days with Pap and Grams. Both parents worked and we needed a babysitter. Fast forward to the abandonment of our biological mother and a single- working father, we needed somewhere to stay while he worked. It was with Pap and Grams. Then Mom, Cindy, came into our lives and even though she worked, she needed a sitter for certain nights when we would work later. We would get off the bus at Pap and Grams. There are so many memories we made in that house. We remember the field where the Walmart Shopping Center now lives. It was our play ground! I still have not come to terms that the home will belong to someone else in the near future, but it is just something that has to be done.
Well I returned home with the kids and we have tried to return to normal. The days seem to drift by and my heart hurts a little less each day. Except yesterday. It was Thanksgiving and as the day came to a close I wanted to cry. I sat down and thought about what I have to be Thankful for. The sad part is that as I was listing out the things, in my mind, I couldn't help coming up with all the things I wasn't thankful for and all the things I am so utterly bitter about. I could list them here, but I realized that would be pointless because I DON'T want to think about the BUT's. Everyone says that life happens and that God doesn't give you more than you are able to handle. The truth is, I don't know how strong I am and I am a little tired of being told this. In a matter of three months we delivered a daughter who was diagnosed with Down Syndrome, attended numerous doctors appointments including a cardiology appointment informing us that in the near future she will need to have an operation, began Occupational Therapy, dealt with a scary as hell reflux incident, had our car broken into, and my grandmother died unexpectedly. God must think I am the HULK.
I know I sound bitter, and I do apologize. Most days I do not sit an reflect, or even realize that 3/4 of the events mentioned above have happened. But the days I do, I am crushed. I will shed a few tears and then I smack myself into a realization that I have two kids that need me and sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't benefiting anyone. Life does go on and one of my kids needs the strength I have to build her up even stronger. So as November comes to an end I am making myself a promise- I will welcome December with open arms. I will not complain about the past and I will look forward to having the best holiday I can possibly have with my family. I will focus on the positives of every day because I do have a lot to be thankful for.
I hope everyone had a fantastic day with their family and friends. And even more I hope you will take the challenge to relish the happiness the season has to offer.
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